Whose Eyes?

This morning I asked God why He cared so much about me.

He'd shown me some really personal kindness, the type that is just meant to delight a person and I didn't understand it.

I can make sense of being provided for, but this was extra.

It was sweet and personal in a way I hadn't been expecting. If there's one thing about God, it's that He's good at catching me off guard. Just when I think I understand Him, He shows me something new.

I hadn't even thought to ask for help with this thing at all. It felt like a me-problem that I felt I needed to sort out on my own.

"C'mon Bunmi. Grow up." It was a real "first world problems" thing that, in my mind, didn't deserve a prayer, but more discipline and fortitude.

But then He handled it in such a loving, gentle way that I felt confused!

The person He helped me through with it even God told them to. It was really for me.

But why? Wasn't I just being bratty? Didn't I need to figure it out? Why would He help me with this? It wasn't big enough. Not important enough. I didn't get it.

So I asked Him. Why do you care about this, Abba? With all of the wars going on and all of the more serious things happening? Why do you care?

And I know He wants me to share His response.

He said the reason I was asking is because I was seeing myself through the eyes of other people. I was seeing myself through circumstances and situations I'd been in.

Through judgements and opinions of others, and not through the name He called me as His child.

Even seeing yourself through a battle you've been through is incorrect. There is only one set of eyes we should see ourselves through. His. Because if you see yourself through your own eyes, you may see yourself as fine and great based on your own evaluations. You can be puffed up with an artificial pride if you see yourself through the eyes of people who approve of you- especially if you're surrounded by "yes" men or women.

If you've been through many battles, you can also see yourself in a way that God doesn't.

I left home early- at 16. It was not a decision I wanted to make, but one made out of survival. Since then, I've prided myself on being able to survive. "I don't need anyone's help, I can make it through anything on my own."

There are times I did need help. But help is not something easy to come by and I have not always known the right way to ask. How you ask determines how people feel about you. I didn't know this. Also, by the time I would ask for help I would be like a frantically drowning person and not an appealing person to swim next to. Most of the time, I wasn't even sure what I needed. So I continued to learn how to make it mostly on my own. Just me & Abba. It was enough.

Over time, I unconsciously created an identity out of survival. I created one out of being on the edge of society, the outskirts of belonging. I didn't mind it, but I did see myself as less than normal people because things were harder. Survival separates you from people who are living.

Coupled with having almost no filter when it comes to sharing my oft fringe opinions, I felt constantly looked at in a bad light. I could make a lot paper cranes out of the "I've followed you for a long time but now..." messages I receive almost daily. It's never made sense to me why people feel like I'm obligated to be alignment with the me they created in their imagination, but it happens all the time.

Who I truly am rubs people the wrong way. I suspect that that's true for everyone, but most people hide what they're thinking to avoid scrutiny.

With so much noise around me, I let myself be driven farther out into the wild where I could have peace from all of the eyes and opinions.

I didn't mind because the pastures were green, water still, and Jesus was there with me. He gave me everything I need, family, and more happiness than I thought possible. I love His eyes, kindness, and appreciate how zealous He is for eternal things.

I didn't realize I had formed an identity out others' eyes until God didn't something so unnecessarily kind, so sweet, so attentive...it challenged a very quiet belief still lingering.

I've tasted of His goodness over and over again. My whole life is a testament to that. But this was different. He continually surprises me with how deep His well of love goes and who He is willing to dip the ladle for.

The things that impress others, don't always impress Him.

When God is lifting you up from where you've been to where He wants you to be, there are things that cannot come with you. Old identities and ways of being will fall off at higher altitudes. You'll either let them to or you can't go higher. You have to choose.

Old things you operated can't go in the promised lands. There are people who are committed to ways of survival that will choose to remain in the wilderness rather than let these things go.

Then there are people who will let go of old, false identities, even ones they love ("he's shy" "she's immature") and let who God is flood their being more. "Less of me more of you."

You'll still be you. He doesn't create brainless carbon copies. He's not a cult leader looking to strip you of what makes you unique. I mean, He created thousands of different types of beetles. God likes uniqueness. You'll just be a more free version. A you with new purpose. A renewed Spirit.

Anyway, the verse that came to mind was one that I love.

When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers,

The moon and the stars, which You have ordained,

What is man that You are mindful of him,

And the son of man that You visit him?

Psalm 8:3-4

He really loves us. I hope you'll tune out the world, the past, anyone else's eyes, old voices, and all that noise to think about that today. He loves you more than you can understand. If you want to get closer to Him, tune everything out and do that.

"Draw near to me and I will draw near to you."

Have a good one. love, Bunmi

PS. I know there's someone reading this wondering why God didn't stop x from happening or why y is going on in the world yet He's delighting one person. I asked that, too. Two things I know to be true. God is constantly fixing, making miracles, rescuing, and providing- cleaning up after our mess in a fallen world. Those rarely make headlines because bad news doesn't sell. The devil is real and he does bad things. This isn't heaven, it's earth. Part of our job here is to recognize and use the authority we have in Jesus and experience His restorative power.

Using bad things happening as a reason to divorce oneself from God or believe He is evil is like rejecting a good plate of food because a waiter placed parlsey next to it. Yes, parsley is gross, but look at the meal. Let Him heal you. Stop being mad. It's accomplishing nothing.

Listen to this: God Didn't Forget You

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Everything I say here is hinged on the premise that you're a child of God through Yeshua, the Messiah. If you're not, get on that here:

You & The Messiah. A Love Story